Free time?

I'm going back to work on Monday. I'm feeling a little torn over this. On the one hand, I'm eager to get back, because I am itching for my old routine again. I want to be in an office, surrounded by ADULTS (who don't do baby talk), and get paid. I want to get out of bed and get dressed and drive to a place without reaching into the backseat at every red light to put a pacifier back into a screaming mouth. I want to eat lunch...every day! It's going to be awesome!

On the other hand, I want to listen to Sam's cute little noises when he eats, and talk to him while he marvels at the ceiling fan. I love when I actually wake HIM up in the morning (rather than vice-versa) because he looks so cute when he's getting his bearings. He looks up at me and smiles now, and when I pick him up he snuggles into me. I don't want to miss a single moment of his life, especially right now because everything is so new for him. I'm afraid the babysitter will get all the first giggles or words. She reassured me that in her experience, babies generally save it for their parents, but I can't help but worry that I'll miss something important.

I guess it will make me more appreciative of getting home to see him every evening.

He's actually at the babysitter's house today. I am trying to ease him into being there, and ease myself into dropping him off. I can tell that she's seen this a thousand times. She stands there holding him and grinning at me while I fuss over the diaper bag...making sure that every little thing is packed in its proper place. I don't know why I feel the need to tell her that the bottles go in the fridge. Like she just has no idea how to take care of an infant. She sends me e-mails midday to let me know how he's doing. So far, so good. He's been there 2 days, and he was perfect. He napped for her, he played well...stuff he doesn't like to do at home. My sister told me just to accept the universal truth: your children are always better behaved for other people. When he's here with me, he doesn't like to nap. I get maybe an hour out of him the whole day; thus, he is cranky and usually spends his afternoon yelling at me because he's overtired. I do a lot of shushing and rocking.

That's another sad thing about going back to work. I spent the first several weeks of his life dealing with baby blues and the beginnings of post-partum depression. I didn't really enjoy being a mommy. When he slept, I just put him in his swing and either cried or watched mindless daytime TV. I didn't spend enough time just holding him. I am realizing how much of a blessing it is just to hold him. He's not going to be this little forever. He's almost twice his birth weight now, and I haven't really relished the new-ness of him. I would get so frustrated with him when he was crying because I didn't know why. I feel really bad now that I know - a lot of those times that he was crying his head off, he was hungry. I didn't know that at the time. They get a growth spurt at about 3 weeks, and every hour or so he would just scream. I'd spend about an hour trying to get him to stop, scolding him for crying so much before I'd finally say, "Fine. You can't cry with a bottle in your mouth." I didn't even realize it, but that's exactly what he wanted.

See, now that he's on the E.A.S.Y. Schedule, I know exactly why he's crying. I can tell just from the volume and pattern of his cries exactly what he wants or needs at that moment. If I had known that, say...5 weeks ago, I would have had a much better post-partum experience. But, I guess that goes along with being a new mother. It's on-the-job training. You have to just kind of dive in and tread water for a while. I'm by no means "experienced" at this point. Hell, I'm lucky if I make it through one day without hearing that first cry and thinking, "Oh, what now? Give me a break!" But you just have to remind yourself that he's a baby, and he can't speak. He has to cry to communicate, and even then he can't do anything himself.

I look back at all those times that I got frustrated with him, and I said and thought a lot of things that I can't believe I was capable of. He was hungry and I didn't even know to feed him. I felt like a failure. I still feel like I failed him there. I'm learning not to beat myself up over it. But I feel like by going back to work, I'm losing the opportunity to make up that time that I lost. I wish I had 8 more weeks to get it right.

So right now, aside from actually having time to blog, I have baked a cake, made my bed, cleaned the kitchen, taken out the garbage, and even bought groceries on a mini extreme couponing trip AND put them away! That's a major accomplishment! I may even cook dinner tonight!

As for the next 5 days, I'm going to spend those rocking and cuddling my little boy.

Mommyhood: lessons learned

I am beginning to get a little more comfortable with this whole mommy thing, and I'm starting to acquire a little knowledge here and there. I thought I'd share some of the things I've learned and maybe give some insight into where we are on our journey :o)

- LEARN TO SWADDLE! Watch the Youtube Video Swaddling 102: Escape Proof Swaddling. Think about it: your baby has only known the inside of a uterus for 9 months, and now he's out in the big, cold world. Swaddling makes him think he's right back in there...he's all warm and toasty, and he's closed in by the blanket. We use Aden + Anais swaddling blankets because they're big and breathable, but any good receiving blanket is perfect for the job. When you have a fussy little one, a swaddle is your first step to a blissful baby. There are 4 more steps. Pick up a copy of "The Happiest Baby on the Block."

- Lean on your husband. Daniel has been absolutely amazing since Samuel was born. When I had baby blues and couldn't stop crying, he comforted me. He has volunteered to do the housework and cooking while I feed/rock/bounce/sing to Sam, or vice versa. He immediately picks Sam up and plays with him when he gets home from work so that I can take a nap/shower, or just decompress, or get some housework done. He still cooks dinner most nights. When we get into bed, and Sam is sleeping, we still lay in the dark and talk and giggle - it's as though we picked right up where we left off. Daniel has been the most normal and routine thing in the last 7 weeks, and I couldn't do this without him.

- Use the nurses at the hospital! I can't stress that enough! They are a wonderful asset, both during labor and after delivery. They give great advice, and can be very comforting. Plus, they do their jobs day in and day out, so they know everything there is to know about newborns. If you have any problem or need any help, they are there to help you. There were a few times that Samuel would have a little trouble latching onto a breast. All I had to do was hit a button and tell the nurse's station that I needed some help, and within a few minutes, he was happily sucking away and getting a full belly! When I wanted to rest, they took him to the nursery and gave him all the cuddling and attention he could stand. Nurses are a blessing and don't get enough credit for the role that they play in bringing a baby into the world! I had the most incredible ladies helping me out, and I never felt like I was bothering them or asking them to do too much.

- Let people help! In the name of all that is good and holy, let people help you! If they want to bring a meal, then welcome them with loving arms! The first week home, we re-heated all of our dinners. It was fantastic! We had chicken pot pie, chicken casserole, chili...all delicious and all prepared with love! My mother stayed over the first week, and she made the whole transition a little more bearable. She stayed up with the baby while we slept, and she stayed in with him while we went out for the day to run errands. She did laundry, and did dishes...it was great! Never turn down help...especially with a new baby in the house!

- Babies NEED a routine, even if they reject it at first. The routine saved our lives! Babies need to know what to expect, and it's up to you to make a pattern for your little one. Every night, Samuel knows to expect a bottle, bath, lotion, jammies, and a swaddle. And every night, he falls asleep quickly and sleeps through the night. He knows that this routine means that it's time for bed. Set up a routine as soon as possible, and don't get discouraged if the baby isn't on board to begin with. Stick with it, and eventually, when you accidentally forget a step, he or she will remind you!

- It's okay to give the baby formula. For 9 months, I was hell-bent on breastfeeding my baby. I just knew that I was going to have him on my breast on demand for as long as I could, and then pump for him when I went to work. It was going to work out! That lasted 1 day. On his second night at the hospital, Daniel and the nurse had to talk me into sending Samuel to the nursery so I could rest. I hadn't slept in 2 days, and I was so exhausted that I couldn't stop crying. Sam wasn't pleased with anything I did to comfort him, and my milk hadn't come in yet. I reluctantly agreed to let him go to the nursery and to allow her to give him formula. I was worried about nipple confusion, so I made her promise to finger-feed him Similac with a syringe and a tube. On our third night home, I was again exhausted, and I traded my soul for sleep when I told Daniel and my mother to give him bottles so I could go to bed. Breast feeding is hard work! And when you realize that other people can feed the baby when you don't, it's a very tempting offer! Since that first bottle, Sam hasn't been as keen on breast feeding as he was those first couple of days in the hospital. He still nurses on occasion, but I don't rely on strictly breast feeding to give him his nutrition; in fact, when he's really hungry, he won't take the breast because he has to work for the milk. I had some guilt about stopping altogether, and for a while I just pumped so he could at least have my milk if he was going to drink out of a bottle. I soon realized that breast pumps suck, and I began to feel more like a dairy cow than a mommy. Now I just nurse between feedings and at night before bed, and he gets Similac Complete the rest of the time. He's growing and gaining weight, and his development seems to be on track...I'm happy if he's happy!

- Sleep is precious! Before I had a baby, I could go to bed and sleep for a good 12-14 hours. I made napping an art. Daniel was always amazed, and would sometimes check me for breathing because I slept so long and so often. For a while, when Sam was about 3 weeks old, I only slept about 3 hours at a time, and it's hard for a body to get used to that. People always tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps - and while I don't believe that this is great advice, I can say that you should sleep when you get the opportunity. We forget just how much we need sleep. When I had baby blues, my mother, Daniel, and my doctor all told me to get some sleep and I'd feel much better. I didn't believe them, but my mom sat up with the baby and let me just go to bed, and I did feel worlds better! I still feel a lot better after I've had a good 4 or 5 hours uninterrupted by fussing or crying. I'm a better mommy when I'm rested. Sleep deprivation makes you feel things that you wouldn't normally feel. Keep in mind that sleep is a commodity, especially when you bring a new baby into the house. You don't have to sleep whenever the baby sleeps, but do take the opportunities when they are open!