Free time?

I'm going back to work on Monday. I'm feeling a little torn over this. On the one hand, I'm eager to get back, because I am itching for my old routine again. I want to be in an office, surrounded by ADULTS (who don't do baby talk), and get paid. I want to get out of bed and get dressed and drive to a place without reaching into the backseat at every red light to put a pacifier back into a screaming mouth. I want to eat lunch...every day! It's going to be awesome!

On the other hand, I want to listen to Sam's cute little noises when he eats, and talk to him while he marvels at the ceiling fan. I love when I actually wake HIM up in the morning (rather than vice-versa) because he looks so cute when he's getting his bearings. He looks up at me and smiles now, and when I pick him up he snuggles into me. I don't want to miss a single moment of his life, especially right now because everything is so new for him. I'm afraid the babysitter will get all the first giggles or words. She reassured me that in her experience, babies generally save it for their parents, but I can't help but worry that I'll miss something important.

I guess it will make me more appreciative of getting home to see him every evening.

He's actually at the babysitter's house today. I am trying to ease him into being there, and ease myself into dropping him off. I can tell that she's seen this a thousand times. She stands there holding him and grinning at me while I fuss over the diaper bag...making sure that every little thing is packed in its proper place. I don't know why I feel the need to tell her that the bottles go in the fridge. Like she just has no idea how to take care of an infant. She sends me e-mails midday to let me know how he's doing. So far, so good. He's been there 2 days, and he was perfect. He napped for her, he played well...stuff he doesn't like to do at home. My sister told me just to accept the universal truth: your children are always better behaved for other people. When he's here with me, he doesn't like to nap. I get maybe an hour out of him the whole day; thus, he is cranky and usually spends his afternoon yelling at me because he's overtired. I do a lot of shushing and rocking.

That's another sad thing about going back to work. I spent the first several weeks of his life dealing with baby blues and the beginnings of post-partum depression. I didn't really enjoy being a mommy. When he slept, I just put him in his swing and either cried or watched mindless daytime TV. I didn't spend enough time just holding him. I am realizing how much of a blessing it is just to hold him. He's not going to be this little forever. He's almost twice his birth weight now, and I haven't really relished the new-ness of him. I would get so frustrated with him when he was crying because I didn't know why. I feel really bad now that I know - a lot of those times that he was crying his head off, he was hungry. I didn't know that at the time. They get a growth spurt at about 3 weeks, and every hour or so he would just scream. I'd spend about an hour trying to get him to stop, scolding him for crying so much before I'd finally say, "Fine. You can't cry with a bottle in your mouth." I didn't even realize it, but that's exactly what he wanted.

See, now that he's on the E.A.S.Y. Schedule, I know exactly why he's crying. I can tell just from the volume and pattern of his cries exactly what he wants or needs at that moment. If I had known that, say...5 weeks ago, I would have had a much better post-partum experience. But, I guess that goes along with being a new mother. It's on-the-job training. You have to just kind of dive in and tread water for a while. I'm by no means "experienced" at this point. Hell, I'm lucky if I make it through one day without hearing that first cry and thinking, "Oh, what now? Give me a break!" But you just have to remind yourself that he's a baby, and he can't speak. He has to cry to communicate, and even then he can't do anything himself.

I look back at all those times that I got frustrated with him, and I said and thought a lot of things that I can't believe I was capable of. He was hungry and I didn't even know to feed him. I felt like a failure. I still feel like I failed him there. I'm learning not to beat myself up over it. But I feel like by going back to work, I'm losing the opportunity to make up that time that I lost. I wish I had 8 more weeks to get it right.

So right now, aside from actually having time to blog, I have baked a cake, made my bed, cleaned the kitchen, taken out the garbage, and even bought groceries on a mini extreme couponing trip AND put them away! That's a major accomplishment! I may even cook dinner tonight!

As for the next 5 days, I'm going to spend those rocking and cuddling my little boy.